A Whole New World

My friends like to pick on me that over the years I have had several different jobs, never really finding where I am happy or feel challenged. One of those jobs was in retail, mainly children clothing and toys. Well, I have got to tell you...the world of retail in sports and fitness is a whole other world! I know I have only cratched the surface in learning about what I will need to help my triathlon go more smoothly. And since I do not know if this will be a one time thing at this point, or something I really take to, I am hesitant to invest too much into pursuing this. So I went with my husband and the kids to Dick Sporting goods and I felt a bit out of my league and could feel the doubt creeping in as I looked at super tight biking shorts and speedo swim suits. I took a few pairs of shorts to try on, pretty much grinning ear to ear at how ridiculous these were going to look on me, the non-athlete that I am.  So I am in the dressing room with both kids and have gone through about 3 pairs or shorts just hating them for squeezing the fat on my thighs, and making me hate my legs even more. All I could think was "wow, this will really be fun when I have to try on swim suits for the triathlon which will probably consist of nothing more than tight shorts and a sports bra." Oh Joy! But on the 4th pair my daughter very sweetly says "oh mama...I really like those pink and black one on you they are very fashionable." Bless her heart for only seeing the cute in things. And it reminded me that they don't see things how I do, which means not everyone else feels the same way about my image as I do as well. I really am my own worst critic and probably the only thing stopping me from reaching any health or fitness goal I would like for myself. I think you can always find an excuse, and I certainly have been coming up with a lot of those over the past few years and could continue with a long list of excuses but what purpose would that serve? So, after my daughter's comment I finished trying on the rest of the shorts with a smile on my face looking for the silver lining in the reflection I saw. I picked out a simple black pair and then met Matt by the bikes to look at new peddles. He took the time that afternoon to take off the old ones and put the new ones on. Now my feet slide into straps so that my legs are working the motion of the bike when I peddle both up and down and it has been fun to see how my time has improved thanks to that small addition on my bike. I would like to get the right tires for the race, but that may be pushing it in price. And I keep telling myself-I just need to finish. If my time is God-awful, oh well. There is alot to be said for getting out there and trying it.

Me and my new spiffy biking sports. They had better be worth it. :)

Losing My Mind

I told myself "I must be losing my mind." The triathlon while a great goal seemed so far away since it was only September, so it seemed like a needed a little goal to work on between now and then so I wouldn't start to get stagnant in my work-outs. So apparently, running a 10K seemed like a glorious idea! Can you sense the sarcasm here.
Yup! I signed myself up for a 10K to be run on Halloween in the morning in Sycamore. Really---what am I thinking? Me, the person who absolutely hates nothing more than to run, apparently wants to run more. Ohh I have problems.
So I sent Amanda a message and bless her heart she is going to sign up as well and is happy to run with me anytime b/c she is one of "those people" that actually enjoys running. :)
So now I have 39 days to try to get myself ready to run a distance that I have never done in my life in the hopes that I can do it without having to walk. Yikes! But I guess this is the Carew side of me coming out and liking a good challenge or competition. It's a mental game and all about stamina and staying power.
And to me there seemed to be something fitting in picking an event that required you to be able to endure. That's exactly what I am trying to do. I am trying to push, to be able to sustain, to have will power and endurance. Life is a long journey and I want to be strong as I journey down it. Sometimes life is uncomfortable and difficult and overwhelming but you tell yourself you can get through this, you can handle it. And that is what I am going to be saying to myself in that run. "Come on Lynn...you can do this. Keep going...don't stop. You see your kids over there...they are watching you. What are you going to teach them?" So hold onto your hats for the next 39 days and pray b/c Lord knows I am going to need all the help I can get.

Summer Time

The summer made exercising not as hard with being able to enjoy the outdoors. Am I still not that person that wakes up in the morning just bursting with zest to go to the gym or get in that morning run. I really don't understand "that person" but I sure would like to be a bit more like them in my peppiness towards exercise.
I continued to push a little further each week and found myself feeling a little stronger and a little lighter. I thought-gosh when I started this I couldn't even get through a mile and now I am almost up to 4! I hadn't been on my bike in some time and now I take it on trail rides for 16 miles at a whack! What has happened to me?!
And the numbers on the scale and slowly been going down and that was a welcomed thing to watch. By August 10th my BMI was finally back in the healthy range. All be it, at the very tippy-top of the healthy range, but I was taking it! I thought, when it gets to be more in the middle of that range I'll feel better about it and more comfortable that my health really has evened out. By the beginnings of September I had lost my first 50 pounds was just elated! It seemed so insurmountable when I was starting but when you keep the picture in your mind of one day at time to seems far more manageable.
But I was nervous about failing in my effort to gain control over my health so I really didn't talk about or share what I was doing with anyone because it just added to the pressure. I just needed to stay focused and if needed set a physical goal that I'd like to work towards to keep me motivated.
During the summer I was asked by my future sister-in-law if I'd like to volunteer at a sprint triathlon with her that she had been a part of in years past. It sounded like a fun way to spend some time with her and I'd never seen that kind of event before so why not. So I showed up that morning the help with body markings first and man oh man the inspiration you'll find at an event like that. There was a sweet, older man there who needed to be marked and I have to ask their age so I know what wave they are in and all that is written in marker on the arm and leg. When I asked him he smiled and said "I am 88 Dear." All I kept thinking all day at that event was "holy crap he's 88!" "Holy crap!" And here I am, still in my twenties and what is keeping me from trying to do something like this if he can?! And I was there when he came jogging past at the finish line, one of the last people to complete it and I was crapping like a crazy person and bordering on tears. It was just amazing to watch.
On the car ride back home I found myself asking Amanda more questions about what her experience in a sprint triathlon was like and if she felt that would be a realistic goal for me to try to do next year. She seemed like she would be a great resource person for me to ask questions of since the world of triathlons is one I don't have a clue about really and it would be a nice way to spend some time with her and have a really cool memory of something we shared together. So I decided in mid-august that I would make the sprint triathlon that we volunteered at the physical goal I would like to accomplish for 2011. I knew it would require me to really work for it and my goal again would be to complete it without having to walk. It is nice to know that Amanda will partner with me to help me prepare and to get stronger but I know that my success at this ride on me. I have to be the one daily telling myself to get out there and keep on moving and to not give up when I just want a break. So there will be more to come as July of 2011 approaches.

Every Step Matters

I don't want to have to put down the number I was when I started my journey, but let's just so for the record that it was a lot, it made me obese by BMI standards and it was the most I had ever weighed and that included 9 months pregnant. And that was particularly hard to swallow for me. But this was my reality and I was going to have to take ownership of it.
I started with revisions to found and went back to smarter, healthier choices and smaller portions. I did not want to follow this fad or that diet because let's face it you go on and off diets. I was looking for a life-style change. I tried to keep my meals balance with fruits and veggies and kept my comfort foods and sweets to a real minimum. I knew that food was what I had used to help numb the emotion, to keep myself distracted from doing the real work that needed to be done and so I had to stop that right away.
And I am smart enough to know that changing your food is not enough, it take gets up and moving as well. So I picked the things that I would enjoy and that I could maintain. I knew I hated to get up early so why do that-I'll do it at night and I'll do the best I can at it at the time. I would walk, go for a bike ride, try to jog a little etc. and slowly but surely I got a little stronger and started to challenge myself to push a little further each time. In the late spring I had decided to sign up with my husband for a 5K to celebrate fallen police officers in Chicago. My goal was to complete the run without walking. I am by no means an avid runner-it's actually the exercise I hate the most. And I mean HATE! It was always a punishment for us in gym class or the sport we played. "Go run laps!" "Go run suicides!" Ohh the misery!
But I got my but in gear and come race day I was anxious if I could pull it off but I knew no one was going to be there to make me finish or keep me from walking and giving up so whatever pain I felt, however out of breathe, it was all just a momentary discomfort and this too would pass. I am happy to say I finished my 5K that day without walking as I had wanted and I was so proud and overwhelmed with happiness when I crossed over that line and looked up at the clock and saw my husband waiting for me. I knew I wasn't the fastest, I probably had horrible time, but the point was I did it. And it was something I can look back on and say I shared with the man I love and it was for a very good cause. I'd like to be an example for my kids to show them that you don't have to be the best at everything. You can do anything that you put your mind to and even though you don't come in first place it is that you accomplished it, you enjoyed the journey, you saw it through.
 And it helped to keep the fire in me going to continue working on me.

"Rock Bottom"

I don't know what it is about phrases such as "hitting rock bottom" that just seem to really over-simplify a problem that is very complex and inter-twined. I don't like how it trivializes a personal problem or situation that can be very desperate and consuming. And it also seems to infer that you have to go to this place that is so far-removed before you can start to climb your way back up and out.
 I knew that I had lost myself. That I was headed in a direction that I didn't want to be. That I was feeling things that I didn't like carrying around around with. But I think I could have kept on with all of it for a lot longer before I really hit my "rock bottom." But I woke up one morning and went, why do I need to have some sorry story about how I got to this pathetic place in my life and it's the lowest I've been....blah..blah...blah...before I decide that I am going to do something about it? If I don't like it and I want it to be different then why not say for all intensive purposes that this---today, is my "rock bottom." We will just say this is the lowest we ever went or want to go and that the only place we can go from here is forward.
 And it seemed fitting that that epiphany would come to me on Fat Tuesday (2/16/2010). It was ironical that the one main area I wanted to concentrate on-which was losing weight-would commence on a day that we as a society say to be glutinous on. But the fat girl in me said that starting on Fat Tuesday was just perfect.
 Now I had resolved to myself before as many of us have that I was really going to do it this time and make a change and reach all these goals, so on and so forth. This time I did not want to add all the goals and deadlines. I found in the past that when I had lost some weight but didn't reach all my goals and deadlines that I felt so sad and angry at myself for not making those things that I completely lost sight of the weight that I had lost and the improvement to my health. And of course over time it all went right back on and usually even more because it just upped the depression. It was like saying "I am not going to be happy with me until I am this size or this number on the scale." And the reality is that you can get to that size or that number and still be miserable. It's not a numbers game and so I wasn't going to make it one this time. I was just simply going to embrace the change and encourage myself to keep on going and to remember that I have my whole lifetime to refine myself.
 I took a belief in the butterfly effect-that a small difference or change may change large variations in behavior or produce a significantly different outcome than had I continued on as normal. I knew that I needed to want it for myself and I had to be the advocate for change. I had to be my own source of inspiration-and so I set embarrassment and excuses aside and took ownership for where I stood that day and started to make the changes necessary to uncover a healthier, happier and wholer me.

This was me on Valentine's Day, just 2 days before Fat Tuesday. I may be smiling but it's all part of the "weight" of keep up a facade that everything is fine and I am ok. But let's be honest, I was anything but ok that day.

Happiness and Butterflies

I have always been fascinated and captivated by butterflies. I have always been envious of their ability to start one way and emerge later on as a new beautiful creature that can take fly away untouched from it's previous existence as a caterpillar. There is such diversity in butterflies, such a myriad of colors and combinations, all exquisite and perfect in its own right. I found for many years of my life, wishing on a certain level that I could sprout wings, become a butterfly and fly away from all the things that had hurt me. I wanted so much so be light and free like them, fluttering along from one spot to the next; soaking in the sunshine. I wanted to be beautiful. When I turned 18 I chose to get a tattoo with a friend. I chose to have a butterfly placed on my left shoulder. I wanted to feel the presence of beauty and grace hovering over me, walking with me on my journey through life. It is almost 12 years later and that butterfly is still there, faded I will admit, but still present and a reminder to myself to never lose sight of the reality that you can always remake yourself. You can always start again. You can always change and adapt and work on those aspects that you feel need improving. But you need to own those things for yourself, and find your own definition of beauty and grace and not chase after how others or the world may define it.
Nathaniel Hawthorwn one said "Happiness is like a butterfly, when pursued, is always beyond our grasp, but, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
I have been chasing happiness along with a number of other things for many years now, never really finding what it was I thought I needed. In 2010 I finally "sat down" at what was the lowest point in my life up until that point, and strangely enough, inspiration and strength alighted upon me.  I then began what I properly referred to as the Butterfly Effect.